“Life is better together.” I’ve said it a bazillion times. And honestly, I believe it. Which leaves me wondering why I often find myself feeling lonely.
I know plenty of folks. I have opportunity to gather with people I care deeply about each week. I have no shortage of relationships. I am surrounded by love. But if you know anything about anything, you know it’s possible to feel as if you’re alone even when standing in a crowded room.
I was thinking about this as I commuted into work this morning. Many (most?) of the cars on the road, just like me; driving from point A to point B by ourselves. I saw a woman in front of me at a light, reflected in her side mirror. She had closed her eyes and her head swayed a bit. I wondered what music she might be listening to. Did she wish she could sing along with a friend? I was stopped at a different intersection and glanced to my left to see a frizzy-haired young man, and I smiled, wondering for that brief moment when our eyes met what kind of person he might be. Where was he headed and who might he meet there?Construction trucks. Tractor trailers. Sports cars. Each carrying a person going from here to there as I made my way into the office amidst a constantly changing backdrop of vehicles and business and homes.
I wonder if the people around me also felt lonely, only having these flashes of “connection?”
I suspect the answer may lay in personality, quality of sleep, adequate hydration, and nourishment. Maybe we feel more lonely when these things get out of whack and our body, minds, and spirits are strained. Maybe it’s as simple as how many “close” friends we can count.
To be clear, I do believe there’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I actually love time to myself to recharge, dream, just goof off. What I’m wondering about today is whether I have enough deep connections? Are my relationships mostly surface level acquaintances? Is this a phase or stage of life, or is this a product of my own self-isolation?
All of this begs the question…
How does one make and sustain meaningful relationships as an adult? I say adult, because I suspect the social circles we swim in as adults naturally become smaller as we mature. Again, is this just my experience? I know many people, but I do not KNOW many people and am not known by many either. So, what does one do if one desires more?
This is the appeal of dating apps, right? A way to leverage the time and energy we have to maximize the likelihood of finding someone we want to spend that time and energy with. What’s the equivalent for someone not seeking a romantic relationship?
Clubs? Service organizations? Church?
And that may be why I feel stuck. My greatest social interactions center around a community of faith that I serve as a pastor. As much as I attempt to be authentically present with the people of the community I lead, I will always be “the pastor.” That’s a good thing, but it means there will always be a gap, a power dynamic, an identity that cannot be set aside. My closest friends must be found outside the church I serve.
There’s lots of good reasons for this and I recognize the importance of maintaining healthily boundaries. As a consequence though, when I recently went to see The Odyssey, I went on my own. Not a bad thing since you don’t get to interact much while watching a movie, but it’s the shared experience I missed out on. It’s the processing of what we watched together that I didn’t get. It’s the reenforcement that life is meant to be lived with others in deep and meaningful ways.
After all, isn’t the Odyssey, at least in part, about our shared humanity and what is lost when we forget our connections? (perhaps more on that another day)
Life is better together,
Shawn
Big Rubber Band Ball 